So Apple held this quiet, off-the-radar shindig yesterday where they invited a few people to a tiny little iPad-related event in San Francisco, maybe you heard about it… Oh who am I kidding, you’ve probably already placed your preorder for “The new iPad” (lowercase ‘n’), as Apple officially touted it during their latest event-that-nearly-crashed-the-Internet. The new iPad is “resolutionary,” boasts the company’s website, and according to Apple executives, it has a “magical pane of glass.” If you didn’t know better, you’d think Cupertino just launched a new Harry Potter book.

But do you really need one of these “new” iPads? Maybe. They’re certainly attractive with the screen resolution doubled, all the lovely new high-res games and apps, and of course, 4G LTE support. But just in case you’re not feeling any of that “magical” love, here’s an unimpeachable haters checklist.

(MORE: New iPad Launch: Why Everything We…

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