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Posts Tagged ‘writer’

Date like a teenager

October 2, 2012 1 comment

I remember “boyfriends” in high school. Back in those days, everything was such a big deal. My best friend would look me straight in the eye and ask me “Have you guys HH yet?” “No, of course not!” I replied.

It means hold hands.

My best friend and I would gossip and laugh about it for hours on end. The one time this guy tried to hold her hand in the movies but got too scared and didn’t do it in the end. Or the time where I had to hide my HH under the school bag, because we didn’t want anyone else to see.

My best friend and Itell each other all the juicy details of our relationships over our overnight letters, which must be given to each other as soon as we meet at school before roll call in the morning. This is so that we would have a chance to reply in the first class and exchange letters again during recess. If she was having issues or bottled up emotions, I would tell her “It’s time to have a D&M with him.”

It means Deep & Meaningful.

How we thought we truly madly deeply loved the boy sitting across the classroom at the age of 15.

Imagine if we dated like a teenager now.

Passing notes on bits of ripped paper with encrypted messages.

Chatting on the phone on any and every topics til the sunrise for weeks on end.

Hand writing 30+ page letters – front and back.

Sitting at McDonalds without ordering to delay going home.

Watching TV together but physically a telephone call apart.

Taking the detour route to get to the bus stop.

Just innocent.

Just simple.

***Photo by journeyexplorer

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Love that goes beyond

July 21, 2012 2 comments

Husband married Wife.

Husband loves Wife very deeply.

Couple hood life settles in nicely and smoothly although a bit quiet at times.

Gradually they started hanging out more often with Husband’s best friend as a trio.

They get along really well and have loads of fun together.

Husband’s work gets more and more demanding.

Wife hangs out with Husband’s best friend more and more often.

Slowly it seems them two have more in common and can chat more easily.

Gradually Wife becomes close to Husband’s best friend and develop feelings for him.

Husband notice the situation changed and departs at the right time without a fight.

Wife is embraced by Husband’s best friend with open arms.

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Husband and Husband’s best friend makes a pact.

To keep the secret between them only.

No one must ever speak of it.

Husband receives treatment in a hospice out-of-town.

Husband’s best friend spend time with his Wife.

To keep her company, to make her laugh, to be there for her.

When the time comes, Husband’s best friend is to love Wife with all his heart.

Husband notice the situation changed and departs at the right time without a fight.

Husband dies peacefully on his own with a smile on his face.

Husband knows that Wife is being loved and taken care of by the one person he trusts the most.

Wife is the luckiest girl on the planet.

Don’t you agree?

***Photo by bgorsphotography

The Experiment

It was rush hour at a metro station in Washington DC called L’Enfant Plaza, hundreds of people were speeding off to work in the morning. A guy put his violin case down and started playing with Johann Sebastian Bach’s Partita No. 2 in D Minor which was known as one of the hardest violin piece ever written. 63 people walked past before a man turned his head for a split second noticing some guy was playing the violin. It took 6 minutes before the first person stopped to listen and in the end 7 people did during the 45 min performance. A total of 1,097 people walked by and he collected $32.17.

Joshua Bell. A child prodigy. An award winning violinist. His violin alone costs $3.5 million. He sold out a Boston concert hall at $150 per ticket and is said to be worth $1,000 per minute every time he plays. Yet that morning, he collected $32.17. This was an experiment conducted by the Washington Post.

Ever since childhood it has been drilled into my head that I should protect myself especially when it comes to relationships, so I naturally developed a self defense mechanism. Hence throughout my dating career I always choose men who are more interested and attracted to me than vice versa. However, recently I would say that I have fallen into a trap, one I can not get myself out of. I, me, shockingly actually like someone and hell it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. In fact, I get Princess Wannabe Syndrome. It is a condition where if he is 5 minutes late when meeting me at his own accord, I get so upset you would have thought he killed my cat. If he ever makes contact with another human being on any one of his electronic devices in my presence, I feel like I have been dumped into a river of neglect. If his life and everything that he does in his world does not evolve around me, then I must not be important at all so I should just marry the next man I see. So I decided to conduct an experiment with myself as the subject.

We have heard it all that love is all about giving more than receiving, going that extra mile even when there is no reward because it is too easy to love someone who loves you back. Honestly, I am not that honourable. I just want to see what it means to put the other person’s best interest in the equation. In order for me to get over my insecurities of jealousy, obsessively possessive personality and phobia of abandonment, I must try to take this leap of faith which I have never ever done before in my entire life. Otherwise I am never able to truly love. So here I am, throwing myself into the deep end.

I jump!

***Photo by bgorsphotography

Joy from within

I haven’t laughed properly for so long that it’s just not funny. I let myself stay in this dark hole for so long that I can’t open my eyes when light shines through. At the time, everything I knew in my world collapsed on me with a snappy Domino effect. I lost my job hence we didn’t go through with the property purchase we planned for our immediate future and it ended up that there was no future out of this 5 year relationship. I moved out and in fact moved to another country, took the only job that was on offer and we never spoke again. I lost hope, joy, direction and my true self.

I walked blindly in the dark. I locked myself in. Everything in my view was grey. Crying was my new favourite hobby. I let myself listen to ‘Don’t you Remember?’ The reason you loved me before…’ Sometimes I think I even enjoyed that state of depression and self-pity. At least it contributed to my writing ability so that was a plus.

But somehow miraculously I broke out of it. I’m on the mend, even though circumstances and status have not improved ie I’m not now married with 3 kids, own 5 properties or earning £1m a year. Yet I am now seeing through the clouds. I feel peace and joy from within which is such a great surprise.

This weekend I actually enjoyed the social events I attended. This weekend I set myself free. This weekend the sun shone on my face.  This weekend I was able to laugh again and it feels bloody awesome.

***Photo by bgorsphotography

Image

The Hijack Game

One year ago I was abandoned and you were the first person I saw after it happened. You witnessed my waterfall of tears, but you didn’t know what, why, who or how. Then out of the blue I bumped into him when he was supposed to be living in a different country I questioned ‘WHY?’, and you were the first person I ran to for comfort.

Day by day our proximity minimised. You needed a friend and I was available. We opened up to each other without barrier or pretence. Slowly, bit by bit you hacked into my world. I was blinded and never realised that I was falling in love with you completely. Even when I dated other people, I was thinking they don’t really measure up because somehow you were already there for me. We talked and saw each other everyday, we ate together, we did stupid things together, we shared tears and heartbreak, we gave each other advice we ourselves could not live out. You encouraged me, you supported me, you met my friends, we shared a common channel so you became my best friend on site which was the dark world I fell and locked myself into.

Trouble was I got used to depending on you and you being there for me all the time. Slowly you got to know me so well your words and actions worked like magic on me. Unfortunately, my possessive personality fought its way through. I thought I could be the one to make you happy. I thought I could be the person you needed to lift you up. I thought I could offer you the attention and respect you so well deserved. I promised you to make you the luckiest man on this planet, but I failed at my role because it was a game I created and wanted so much to win at.

In the end I lost before I even began. I couldn’t see past my own insecurities. Now I lost bearing.

One year on I am abandoned once again by my own doings.

There I am again. A 6 years old, standing behind the slammed door begging and choking through my tears for them not to go. But they never turned their head back. They were gone.

***Photo by bgorsphotography

Different walks of life

Dear journeyexplorer,

A good friend of mine has recently come out of yet another in a series of failed medium to long-term relationships. This friend is feeling disillusioned about it all, and has given up the idea of dating because it just doesn’t seem to work: people keep changing (it’s a natural part of life hey?) and how likely is it that two people can grow and change together anyway? The best you can hope for is an amiable marriage that evolves into modest companionship. The worst case scenario (where you remain together) is years of bitterness and hurt.  This person also points out that when you go into a relationship with a good friend you potentially come out of it with a bitter enemy. Sounds like a lose-lose situation. And before you start accusing my friend of being a pessimist, divorce statistics seem to support this view.

Advice please.

P.s. Obviously this is about a friend and not me. Right.

x. Disillusioned.

Dear Disillusioned,

Thank you for being a trusted reader and writing to me, I don’t have answers but I can share a bit of my thoughts and story with you.  I sympathise with your experience, it is very frustrating and discouraging to enter the dating scene again especially when you are still carrying baggage from the past. I have been on a date recently where the person is attractive, the food is good, and conversation is flowing but in my head I just wished I was snuggled up at home watching a DVD  with a comfortable partner instead. 

Lately I have been thinking maybe we were not meant to find ‘happily ever after’ because we now live in a world that has become so global and quick to change with very limited attention span and easily distracted. Even if you marry the person of your dreams there are no guarantees that they will not die of cancer two years on. So maybe the key is to enjoy different types and stages of relationships during our different walks of life, because I completely agree with you it seems two people can not ride through the crashing waves of change together but have different reactions or plans to oncoming circumstances.

As with entering into a relationship with a good friend, it needs to be very carefully managed. When you take that leap with that status change, there are a whole bunch of expectations, insecurities and demands attached that can be a can of worms because it was not what you/them had envisioned.

I hope that knowing other people have the same struggles and obstacles will help you see through the blurred scenes.

Yours sincerely,

journeyexplorer

Mourn with those who mourn

Why do we tend to share our good news more so than our sad news? Isn’t it that we need friends and family much more during bad times?
Why do we congratulate those with a new job yet can not support those who has been made redundant?
Why do we promote pregnancy but can not share the burden of an abortion or miscarriage? Why can we share the joys of marriage but can not walk with those who go through heartbreak? Why do we celebrate at graduation ceremonies yet leave all those with learning disabilities unnoticed?
One of my very close friend is so brave and courageous I am so proud of her. Her approach is something that we can all learn from. You know how you are not supposed to tell people in your early stages of pregnancy and she was just in her first few weeks. But she loves to share her news with good friends. At first I tried to make her tone down her joy because it was early stages still. She would have none of it and I was happy for her.
Unfortunately soon after that she lost her baby and she also shared the pain with us. I got to experience the full joy and thereafter also got the privilege to mourn together with her and share part of her pain as well. It has helped her to grief and recover and it also built our friendship. I totally respect her for doing that. No one should suffer alone.

PS: Writing this post has really helped me to share my pain and now I’m on the upside so that really proves my point.

***Photo by bgorsphotography